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-> How instead of “Playing not to lose I started playing to win” <-
Every time I have had an job interview since I graduated in 2005 I vividly recall the anxiety when the conversation inadvertently came to touch upon salary expectations. After all, I wanted to get as much as possible, to feel valued and validated for my skills and work ethic, while on the other side, my potential employer attempted to minimize costs and maximize business value. As a Finance major, I understand how a business is incentivized to operate - there would always be this tension and a subsequent need to negotiate.
When I first started my career, I always conceded my advantage in order to get the job, gain invaluable experience and grow my skill set.
Although I am not a people pleaser by nature I became one at work. The workplace was the one place where I craved recognition.
Yet work was where I spent most of my time: Shouldn't I have the healthiest boundaries there? Shouldn't I be valued most where I contributed the most of my productivity, waking hours and effort?
I went to meetings instead of going to the gym. I answered emails in the middle of the night. I prioritized last minute asks instead of focusing on my long term projects and targets. I did it for years.
In my late 30ies I decided that it was time to set boundaries and learn to advocate for myself at work. I levelled up by reading two books on negotiation - Never Split the Difference and Getting More. I can not recommend them more! We should be learning negotiation in business school if not high school. We would all be better for it.
The authors completely debunked my fear of the unknown when it comes to difficult and awkward conversations around money and any life situation where disagreement might rear it's ugly head. Most of us are averse if not scared of confrontation, but that's just because we aren't equipped with the right tools and strategies to communicate our intentions effectively.
In fact when it comes to money especially, we have negative perceptions implanted unconsciously in us from an early age. Money is often a source of conflict at home so why would the workplace be any different?
In 2021, I put my learnings in practice by getting a 20% salary increase within 5 months of starting a new job. What I learned from the experience was to embrace negotiation as a game and have fun with it!
Then, as a Customer Success Manager in a previous life, I had to negotiate renewals with my clients, often asking for contract value increases. My confidence in discussing financial terms helped me have difficult conversations with no anxiety or stress. People can feel your energy even on Zoom and if you are stressed about a contract renewal that fear will come through setting you behind before you even start.
In the worst case scenario, the outcome would have been No and I would not have been any worse off than before I asked.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take: I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by asking for what I deserve. Of course, in a business setting you have to come armed with evidence of your value, your contributions and make a clear case as to why you deserve the raise. Don't wait years before writing down your achievements. Update your resume as you go. Ask for quantified KPIs and results that speak clearly to your contributions and add them actively to your resume.
Even if you don't get the raise or the promotion you want, your resume will be up to date to apply for a new role with another company quickly or pitch another client. Often we delay and stress about leaving a job because we have to invest time in updating our resume and remembering everything we have achieved. This way you have already done most of the legwork to prepare if you feel undervalued and decide to leave your current gig. Most of the time, it is when you switch companies that you get that salary increase you have been looking for.
Another advantage of negotiation is that it provides you with information as to how you are perceived by your current employer. You might think you are doing great and giving it your all but during the negotiation, you discover that your employer has different expectations. If you wait for the annual performance review you might end up disappointed. It is best to have the uncomfortable conversation earlier - information is power - so you can make the best decision for yourself.
When you are a people pleaser you are essentially setting the negotiation bar very low for yourself.
A friend of mine who is a notorious people pleaser discovered this the hard way when she became a mother. Her priorities had changed but her employer still expected her to give the 150% she had conditioned herself to give without anyone else knowing. Resetting that expectation was hard work and added undue stress to being a new mother.
People pleasing doesn't just hurt the people pleaser, it also extends their sacrifice to the people around them. I had to work with another people pleaser who came back from maternity leave and was unfortunately overwhelmed by her previous role. Instead of communicating that to her manager and resetting expectations, she would agree in meetings to what was asked of her and once all managers would leave, she would say to me: "Well if I have time." This meant that my project that was dependent on her agreed upon inputs would suffer and I would look bad because she wouldn't renegotiate her role given her new reality.
My favorite thing about negotiation is that you can apply its principles to any relationship or life situation. Ultimately negotiation is a dance of communication, and human life is a never ending exchange - a negotiation. What I found most enlightening is that we are always negotiating unconsciously. The negotiation is ongoing so every little thing you will contribute to it - what you said in a meeting, what you promised your kids, how you reacted at the airline check-in desk, the way you smiled at a stranger - will make a difference. No door needs to be closed forever when you know how to negotiate. Yes or No is not the end, it is just another step in the communication dance.
By practicing negotiation I realized that the old classic “Ask and you shall receive” was true more often than not, so I made advocating for myself a constant practice.
If you are a people pleaser who wants to shed the old pattern and become comfortable advocating for yourself in the workplace, please DM me or visit: https://www.maincharacter.energy/coaching
-> Let me show you how Advocating for yourself can be fun and make every facet of your life more authentic to who you really are <-
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